On Being a Mother

Though I know my short time of being a mother hardly qualifies me to write anything on the subject, I'd like to share my thoughts, experiences, and lessons learned on Motherhood.  I can't express all of the ways that being a mother has changed me, my life, and the way I view the world.  Being a mom is definitely the hardest job I've ever had.  It's filled with the most trying times of patience, of worry, of guilt, of sleeplessness, of doubtfulness  of "am I even making a difference?".  It's filled with a constantly messy family room & kitchen, piles of laundry, lots of spit up, poop, and slime of every kind.  Being a mom is hard.  Period.  

But it has been in this short time of motherhood that I've learned so much.  More than at any other time in my life.  I've learned how to love unconditionally.  Truly unconditionally.  There is nothing my girl could ever do to make me stop loving her.  Sometimes she does things that are really annoying, cause she's one, and I'm about to get really upset with her, and then she smiles that adorable smile of hers, or fake laughs at me, and I can't help but do it right back to her.  I can't deny that I haven't thought of going back to work simply because it's easier and I can physically see the difference I am making.  But in the end, I always choose to stay home because the fact of the matter is that I don't want to miss this part.  I want to be there for as many smiles, laughs, tears, words, steps, tantrums as I can.  Being a mother has completely changed the way I feel about all children.  About the innocence of childhood, about the purity that is so quickly taken from our kids today.  It's made me incredibly protective, cautious and observant of my surroundings.

Motherhood has taught me a deeper, stronger love and respect for my own mother.  For all she did, all she went through for us.  She gave us every opportunity to succeed, and when we didn't, she was there, holding our hands, crying right alongside us.  She was at every soccer game, every track meet, every piano recital.  She is the one who taught me what a mother is.  And my fondest memories of her are not when she was taking us on grand trips, though those are fun memories, but my most favorite memories of her are of when we stayed up late talking, how she'd always wait up for me, how she'd lean across the counter to talk to me and my friends, how she had a spot in the pantry for endless amounts of food for many teenagers, and how she was never too busy to talk me through a problem if I needed it.  She's still the first one I call when I need advice, who I go to when I have a question, and who I lean on when I'm unsure about what to do next.  Being a mother has taught me to want to be the kind of mom my mom is.

Being a mother has taught me to love my body for the miraculous things it's capable of accomplishing, not only for what it looks or doesn't look like.  I am truly grateful for my body’s amazing ability to create and sustain life. Beauty fades, but my child is my legacy, and the joy she has brought me will last my whole life long.  Being a mother has showed me insecurities I never knew I had, showed me strength I didn't know was possible.  Being a mom has given me hope - has allowed me to see the enormous potential in my baby.  It's given me back that child-like excitement, watching her meet milestones, learn new things, and imagine all that she can become.  

Sometimes I worry that I'm not doing enough, that our life is boring.  But then Gwen brings me a book, sits herself down on my lap and says, "boo--" Meaning, book, read.  Then she proceeds to laugh at the pictures, point to the animals and make their appropriate sounds, and babble along with me.  And when we are done reading, she gets pure joy in me chasing her around saying, "I'm gonna get you..."  She gets a happy mischievous look on her face when she's chasing Chloe, getting into the cupboards, or when I offer her a sweet snack.  She's taught me that our life isn't boring, that the world is full of wonder, that we can laugh at little things, and we can make the best memories within the walls of our own home.  She sees the world so much differently than I do - and being a mother has shown me how to look at the world like she does, with amazement.  It's taught me to let the house be a mess, to get dirty, to find joy in the small things that make up life.  

Being a mother has taught me to love Dan in a new way.  It's shown me the sides of Dan I never knew before we had Gwen, and would have never known had we never had her.  It's taught us to love deeper, to form stronger bonds so we can keep our family together.  It's shown me just how soft his heart is, just how far he'd go to protect us, and all he's willing to do to help meet our family's needs; financially, physically, and emotionally.  Being a mother has given me a new appreciation for the gospel and for forever families.

Being a mother has changed my identity.  To a lot of people, I'm not Carlie, I'm "Gwen's Mom"  At first I was sad about this.  I wanted to still be Carlie, to still have my own identity outside of motherhood.  But over the course of this year, in being "Gwen's Mom," I've learned that being a mother is my identity, and it's the identity I was created for.  It's the identity I want to have.  Motherhood has so many faucets and job descriptions, that no one can say, "I'm just a mom." Motherhood is so much more than I ever realized.  So much more than I had anticipated, in every way.  I've learned to be immensely proud now when someone says, "You're Gwen's mom." Because, I am Gwen's mom.  It is something to be proud of.  It's something I work every day at, something I never stop doing, even in the middle of the night.  Being a mother has given me the best gift - my daughter, and the opportunity to be a mom.  There's nothing else I'd rather do, and nowhere else I'd rather be.  Being a mother has shown me that I am capable of the most amazing, trying, yucky, fun, wonderful job on earth.  

But the biggest thing that being a mother has shown me is that I've found a piece of me, separate and apart that all the same I could not live without, because after all, she's the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.  The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, it does -- in every smile, tear, laugh and breath of my child.